It makes sense that we compare ourselves with others; social belonging is important to us, so we look around at our peers and make judgements on how well we’re fitting in. Whilst it's natural for us to compare, this doesn’t mean it benefiting us.

Fear and anxiety are natural functions of the brain, designed to help us survive. Yet when these traits, including social comparison, become overstimulated they can cripple us, rather than keep us safe.

If we’re constantly comparing ourselves to others and finding ourselves lacking in some way, this will leave us feeling not good enough and unable to express and enjoy our individuality.

Reversely, if we’re comparing ourselves to others and feeling that we are better, this can put us into a self-righteous or judgemental mindset; one we might then feel we need to maintain.

So how can we find peace with who we are, as we find ourselves, rather than basing our sense of self-worth on how we shape up in comparison with other people?

Self-Esteem Relies on Comparison

We may think that the antidote to being affected by social comparison is to have high self-esteem; to cultivate the belief that we are clever, good at our job, attractive, kind and loving, etc. However, rather than softening the sting of social comparison and helping us to accept ourselves, our desire for self-esteem actually drives us to compare in order to feel good.

For us to feel attractive, self-esteem requires us to judge ourselves as above average in looks. If we’re to feel clever, we must achieve higher grades than our classmates. If we’re to feel like a kind person, we must try not get caught up in anger or selfishness like other people do, and so on.

“The pursuit of high self-esteem has become a virtual religion, but research indicates this has serious downsides. Our culture has become so competitive we need to feel special and above average to just feel okay about ourselves (being called “average” is an insult).

Most people, therefore, feel compelled to create what psychologists call a 'self-enhancement bias' – puffing ourselves up and putting others down so that we can feel superior in comparison.

However, this constant need to feel better than our fellow human beings leads to a sense of isolation and separation.” 

DR. KRISTIN NEFF

Not only this, but when we compare ourselves to others and feel that we are less attractive or less successful, this really puts a dent in our self-worth.

We might ask ourselves questions like, “How can I consider myself successful when my friend is earning more money than I am? That must mean I’m not successful.”

Yet it is possible to untangle ourselves from thinking about our worth in terms of how we compare with others.

Accepting Ourselves with Self-Compassion

Whilst it’s true that we all share many things in common, including the pain and isolation of social comparison, it’s also true that we are unique in many ways. No one else has had quite the same life. No one else has exactly the same mind.

We’re all dealing with a unique mix of personal history, brain wiring, physical abilities, personal limitations, emotions and thoughts. Remembering this can help us to become more grounded in the presence of who we are, not in relation to family, friends, colleagues or celebrities, but as an individual who is equally as valid as anyone else. 

By adopting a more self-compassionate attitude towards ourselves, we can start to frame our lives differently. Instead of feeling that our achievements only count if they’re better than other people’s, we can start to realise that they count simply because we’ve achieved them.

Say for example that we struggle daily with depression; if we come from a place of self-compassion, rather than self-esteem, we can see that our achievement of getting out of bed in the morning counts.

These achievements are not because we’ve won some imaginary competition with others, but because it was hard for us to do, and yet we did it! And on days when we don’t manage anything, we can give ourselves a break and not add to our suffering by ranking ourselves as less than others.

It can be useful to reflect on how we feel about ourselves, acknowledging our successes with an awareness of what it took for us to achieve them. We can view our failings with self-compassion, rather than belittling ourselves because other people seem to be doing much better.

Self-Soothing Exercise

1) A quick and effective way of accessing more self-compassion in this moment is to place our hands on our hearts.

2) If it feels right, gently stroke that area, with the same kindness you might use to stroke a friend’s arm if they are feeling upset or a pet.

3) Remember to breathe, noticing any unkind or judgemental thoughts that might arise and gently releasing them. 

4) Acknowledge the presence of thoughts, yet if you can, try not to hold onto them.

5) Just be with those thoughts, as a habitual chattering of the mind, rather than placing any sense of truth onto them.

6) If it’s useful, you could try reminding yourself that you are always doing the best that you can in any moment, perhaps offering yourself some gentle words of encouragement. 

Experiment with practicing this self-soothing technique whenever you notice that you’re judging your worth as a person in comparison to the worth you perceive in others.

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As we fall into a new rhythm that brings darker days and colder weather, our mood can take a hit.

For some it’s a sense of feeling low-spirited, but for others it manifests as a debilitating type of depression called Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D), which causes symptoms of anxiety, hopelessness, irritability and fatigue.

Research has shown that one in fifteen people in the UK suffers from S.A.D, otherwise known as the 'winter blues'.

Scientific studies point to a lack of the sunshine drug - vitamin D - as the culprit, which means levels of serotonin and melatonin drop and the body’s circadian rhythms are disrupted.

So how can mindfulness make a difference?

The first way mindfulness can be used to counteract the effects of S.A.D, is by helping us to build resilience - the ability to adapt to change and overcome the unpleasant things in our lives without being overwhelmed by them.

Whether we’re challenged by low mood or cold weather, we can stay present and turn towards any unpleasant feelings with a curiosity and non-judgmental awareness.

This can help to soften the hard emotional states that arise with S.A.D and strengthen our ability to bounce back in similar situations.

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Likewise, mindfulness can help us to understand and embrace the impermanence of life. When we stay mindfully engaged in the moment, with whatever is arising in our thoughts, feelings and experiences - we gain an awareness that change is the nature of all things.

Understanding the truth of impermanence can benefit us in moments of low mood, as it helps us to realise that these feelings will eventually pass.

The next tool we have in our mindfulness practice is the power of perspective. As the adage goes: ‘change how you see, and see how you change’.

For example, instead of directing our focus on what is lacking over the winter – warmth, sunshine, nature in bloom – we can choose to shift our awareness to see its gifts.

A time of endings opens the door for self-reflection, and the slower pace brings with it an opportunity to rest and recalibrate. A conscious change in perspective, if we practice it often enough, can become embedded in our brain thanks to neurological plasticity.

We can extend this sense of wellbeing even further by creating a daily or weekly gratitude list. From warm drinks and woolly socks, to the simple joy of having a bed to sleep in at night – there are countless things to be grateful for over the winter months.

We can use gratitude as a buffer against negative attitudes and mind-sets by bringing our awareness to the good things in life and taking the time to savour them.

Finally, since mindfulness goes hand-in-hand with self-compassion, adopting a regular self-care practice over the winter months can also help to remedy a low mood.

Ask yourself what can you do to make yourself feel good?

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Let’s start by saying that a good diet and exercise are super ways to nurture our bodies. However, there is no shortage of advice on eating well and working out.

Instead, we will look at other, less obvious ways to ground ourselves in body and find enriching physical experiences. Becoming more connected and in tune with our physical bodies is an effective way of being more mindful.

In bringing awareness to our physical experience, we naturally come to the present moment, using our senses as anchors. It can also help us adopt a more self-nurturing and self-compassionate approach toward ourselves.

Mindful Movement

Mindful movement practices sometimes double up as exercise. For example, yoga is great for strengthening muscles as well as practicing mindfulness.

Yet, there are other ways we can practice mindful movement; ways which focus less on fitness or weight loss, and more on enjoying simple bodily movements. For example, the practice of gentle mindful walking.

Those of us who spend all day at a computer may particularly benefit from connecting with our bodies more. How often do we reach the end of the working day and discover tightness in the shoulders or an achy back?

We can be so focussed on our work or studies that we disconnect from the body. Yet if we make a habit of regularly checking in with the body, we can give it more movement and flexibility.

Giving It a Try

So right now, tune in for a moment. How does your body feel? Sense into your feet, legs, back, shoulders, even down through your hands to your fingers.

Are there any parts of the body that want to stretch or wiggle? If you feel comfortable with it, why not stand up for a moment and get curious about how your body wants to move.

Maybe you feel like bending forward to touch the ground, rolling your shoulders, circling your hips, or raising your arms above your head for stretch.

You can’t get this 'wrong'; it’s all about noticing your current experience, and meeting it with openness.

Notice how any stretching or movements affect your mood or energy levels. Have some fun with it!

Comfort and Cosiness

There’s nothing like putting on your favourite pyjama’s and curling up in a freshly made bed to read a good book. Or perhaps your favourite comfort is to wear some fluffy socks as you watch TV with your cat.

Whatever makes you feel cosy, try to do these things regularly, as a way of treating your body with kindness and care.

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Sensory Pleasures

This could mean so many different things; from finding a shower gel in your favourite scent, to being touched by your partner in a certain way (or touching yourself).

Getting to know what feels, smells, looks or sounds good to us, and consciously gifting them to ourselves, is important for our well-being. It helps us engage with the physical world around us.

We can use these pleasurable sensations as a type of meditation. For example, we can listen to our favourite songs and notice all the musical elements. We might place things around our home that we enjoy admiring in detail.

Bringing more awareness to our sensory experiences may help us start to enjoy things we normally do in auto-pilot, such as brushing our teeth or applying moisturiser.

Looking After Our Bodies

Our bodies don’t need to be perfect in order for us to enjoy the physical world around us. Having fitness or healthy eating goals can be very rewarding, however taking the time to look after our bodies in other ways is important too.

When we step out of thinking of our bodies as a ‘project’ that needs work, we can start to enjoy the fact that we have a body that can move, feel and experience the world.

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Are you worried you might not have the willpower to keep your New Year resolutions this year?

Sorry to be a downer, but you’re probably right! According to a study at the University of Hertfordshire, 78% of us fail to keep our New Year resolutions and are left feeling disappointed with ourselves.

The problem is, we make these wild utopian promises to ourselves of making big changes in our lives with immediate effect.

“From tomorrow, I’m not going to smoke another cigarette” or “From now on, I'm going to keep my house tidy”.

When we slip up, we see it as confirmation that we just don’t have what it takes, that we’re not disciplined enough so we might as well give up.

One cigarette becomes a relapse into chain smoking, and a little chocolate indulgence spurs a return to munching uncontrollably in front of the TV. “Oh well, there’s always next year…”, we say.

Sound familiar?

Unfortunately, it's not so easy to change old habits. Willpower isn't enough. We need mindfulness skillpower! But how do we develop that?

One approach is called 'urge surfing’, and here’s how it works:

1. Recognise

Imagine you’re sitting in front of the TV and suddenly crave a bar of chocolate. The first step in mindfulness is to simply become aware of such an urge, i.e. recognise it.

You can even name it in your head: “Urge to eat a bar of chocolate”.

2. Acknowledge

Most of us have been told that we ought to 'get rid' of such urges once they arise - control them, because they are bad. Or that we should distract ourselves by thinking of something else.

Unfortunately our brains don't work that way.

Research has shown that the more we resist something or try to make it go away, the more it will persist. Therefore, the second step is to simply acknowledge to urge to have a bar of chocolate. Allow to urge to be there.

3. Investigate

Once you have acknowledged the urge to have that chocolate bar, investigate how this urge feels in your body. Is it a tension in your chest, a watering mouth or a tickling sensation?

Check in and find out for yourself. If you wish, you can even close your eyes during your investigation.

4. Kind Surfing

While you are investigating the urge, just try to be with it for a few seconds, maybe even a minute. Surf the urge and while doing so, be kind to yourself. It's not easy to surf an urge, so do not expect too much from yourself too soon.

Even if you only stick with the urge for half a minute and then go ahead and have that bar of chocolate anyway, you’ve still exercised that part of your brain and could be better equipped the next time an urge comes along, so well done!

The more you observe your urges, the more mindful skillpower you will develop. Research has even shown that this skillpower is like a muscle in your brain that you can grow – just as you can grow your biceps in the gym.

But as with the weights, don't expect to lift the heaviest weight the first time you go to the gym.

Unfortunately, there is no quick fix, especially when it comes to our brains – just as our biceps, they need time to grow and change. So be patient and kind to yourself. It's all about training.

The Conclusion?

Don't set yourself fixed goals as New Year resolutions that are doomed to failure. Instead, make the resolution a goal to develop mindful skill-power!

One way to do this could be to join one of our courses in the New Year. The Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) will help you develop your mindful awareness and a sense of balance.

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Christmas is a time for thinking of and giving to others. That’s what makes this time of year so beautiful and special! Yet it’s also important to take time for ourselves amidst all of the gift-giving, party preparations and cooking.

Sure it’s a fun holiday, but if you’re responsible for buying the family presents, or if you’re hosting Christmas dinner, it’s easy to start feeling the pressure. Making sure you take care of yourself as well means you can enjoy the festivities without any unnecessary stress.

Mindfulness is important when it comes to self-care, because without it we are not likely to notice when the pressure is getting to us. We have a habit of trying to soldier through things, often thinking to ourselves that we’ll only have time to rest once this and that are done.

But there’s no reason why we can’t care for ourselves as we go.

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Those who have a regular meditation practice will probably be used to checking in with how you’re feeling. Maybe you’ll notice when you’re feeling tight, or feeling tired or overwhelmed.

If you don’t meditate regularly, or if you struggle with noticing when you’re feeling low, it may be useful to set an alarm to go off at certain times of the day, to remind you to take a moment and ask "how am I feeling right now?"

Once we get into this habit, it becomes easier to take action when we’re not feeling great. What we do to help ourselves feel better and cared-for is very individual.

Perhaps we might make time for a relaxing bath, we might watch a film that makes us laugh, or we might go for a walk in the countryside.

As it’s Christmas, maybe we could put on our favourite Christmas song that fills us with warm nostalgic Christmas feelings, or we might even buy a gift for ourselves!

Whatever it is that makes you feel more relaxed, happy or rejuvenated, try and find some time for it this Christmas, because when we take care of ourselves, we have more energy for taking care of other people too.

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For some of us Christmas is the most enjoyable time of the year. However, for others it might be a more difficult or painful time.

When we’re caught up in our excitement, we may sometimes find ourselves pressuring others to feel the same way as us; reacting with judgement or criticism (directly or passively) when someone tells us that they won’t be sending Christmas cards, or that they’d rather spend Christmas alone with a meal for one.

This reaction, whilst understandable (we might fear losing our own joy) and socially acceptable, actually flies in the face of what most of us consider to be the true spirit of the season: love.

There are many valid reasons for people to not enjoy this time of year, or indeed other celebrations such as their birthday.

It may mark the anniversary of the loss of a loved one, it might remind us of a painful childhood, or the sights, sounds and expectations of Christmas might simply just be too overwhelming for the senses.

And just because it’s Christmas time doesn’t mean that normal life stops; couples still get divorced, people become ill, lose their jobs, or suffer with depression.

The most compassionate thing that we can do is to say, "It’s OK" to our friends or family members who aren’t feeling jolly this Christmas, or to ourselves if we’re the one feeling that way.

We can use mindfulness to help us make space for those feelings to just be as they are, without trying to enforce cheer upon ourselves or others.

If you’re excited and happy for Christmas, that’s OK too! Enjoy it!

But, if you’re not feeling so great, that’s OK too.

Just bring awareness to whatever is arising right now, whether festive or not, and try to meet that experience with openness and presence.

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I’ve been a self-taught mindfulness enthusiast for some years now. I’ve read articles, listened to talks, and sporadically practiced meditation, and found all of this to be useful in dealing with the depression and anxiety I’ve experienced since my pre-teens.

So, when I decided to do an 8-Week Mindfulness-based Stress Reduction (MBSR) Course, I just thought it would be a good way to solidify my existing knowledge, and maybe help me start practicing mindfulness meditation more regularly.

I didn’t realise then how much deeper the course would take me, or how much of an impact the following eight weeks would make.

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My Shaky Start

I had a lot of anxiety before and during the first session. As someone who feels anxious about talking to new people, I found it quite challenging. But I soon discovered that I wasn’t the only one who felt that way, which was comforting.

I also found the first body scan meditation emotionally difficult – I found unexpected physical and emotional pain arising. But again, after listening to other peoples experiences afterwards, I learnt that I was not alone in this.

The gentle guidance and support from the teacher, helped me to see that my difficulties were not a sign of failure or of ‘not doing it right’, just that I was getting in touch with myself.

The challenges of the first session made me realise that I was not being as present with myself as I had thought, and although it was difficult, I was excited about continuing the MBSR course.

Mindfulness Has Become a Lifestyle

Having always practised mindfulness alone in the past, it was really useful to have structured guidance from the teacher, and to be given homework assignments to do each week.

Even though I may not have always stuck to the homework, having it to come back to as a reference point was invaluable and encouraged me to stick with it, whereas in the past when I’ve practised alone it was all too easy to let long periods of time go by in between meditating or practicing being aware.

The MBSR course has helped me incorporate mindfulness into my daily life, to the point where I would now notice its absence; in the same way that you would notice a difference if you stopped exercising after exercising regularly for a couple of months.

New habits take time to develop, and I found that the course gave me the perfect space to develop those new habits in a supportive environment. The process was gentle; there was no pressure to do any of the practices. You were encouraged to adapt the practices if you needed to in a way to suit you.

This relaxed and down-to-earth approach therefore created very little mental resistance in me that sometimes happens when we’re told what to do or how to do it. The focus was on intention and that in each moment we have a fresh opportunity to try again.

This really suited me, and made me feel safe and supported.

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Surprising Benefits

Before the mindfulness course started, I thought that the only benefit I would get would be a slightly calmer mind. However, the actual benefits are far greater than that, and have taken me by surprise.

The main difference I have noticed is that I now have the mental strength to make healthier choices.

As someone who has struggled with depression and anxiety since childhood, I’ve been told so many times that regular exercise and eating healthily will help, yet depression can make those things seem impossible.

Some days it takes all my willpower just to get out of bed and face the day, so I haven’t felt able to develop a regular exercise routine or take the time to prepare healthy meals, even though I’ve tried many, many times throughout the years.

Feeling Healthier

Having completed the eight week mindfulness course, I find that my choices are changing in a natural way.

I can’t say that it’s been effortless, yet feeling more present in my body and having greater mental clarity enables me to give myself that little push to make choices that nourish my body, rather than deplete it.

For example, I’ve always been the kind of person who reaches for comfort food, cigarettes or alcohol to make me feel better in times of stress or upset.

However, the mindfulness course has given me the skills to be able to soothe myself without always turning to those unhealthy things, which often didn’t really make me feel better anyway.

That’s not to say that I don’t still smoke, drink or eat unhealthy food, but I feel more in control now. Those things have become something to indulge in from time to time, rather than an automatic, mindless coping mechanism.

In fact, I’ve never felt so healthy in my life! I now feel like I can give my body the healthy things it needs, like giving a gift to myself.

Learning to be Self-Compassionate 

I’ve also noticed that I’ve become kinder to myself in other ways.

For example, I don’t beat myself up so much for feeling depressed, anxious, angry or upset. I have a more compassionate space for those feelings within myself.

Going within and getting to know ourselves better is never an easy journey; it can bring up challenging or uncomfortable feelings sometimes.

But I’ve also discovered that it can be very freeing, and has made me feel hopeful about the future, something I’ve rarely ever felt. Being guided through this process sure beats trying to do it alone!

Join our next 8-Week Mindfulness-based Stress Reduction (MBSR), Mindfulness-based Stress Reduction (MBCT) or Mindful Self-Compassion Course.

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If we have dealt with challenging or damaging behaviour from our family in the past, this can make our present relationship with them feel like an emotional minefield.

We may even feel that we don’t want a relationship with them at all. This might make us feel guilty because there is so much pressure from society to have positive relationships.

How can we navigate these complicated dynamics and look after our own well-being at the same time?

And, if we want to have a good relationship with our family;

How can we remain open and present with them when there may be so much pain from the past?

Accepting Our Feelings

Many of us probably loved our family unconditionally when we were children. Although there may have been times when their decisions or behaviour seemed unfair, we generally accepted that they must know best. This may mean that they unknowingly left us with some negative beliefs about ourselves.

For example, if a parent had a quick temper, we may have grown up thinking that they were right to get so angry all the time because we are bad.

It’s usually not until we’re older, and can see our family with more objectivity, that we realise the problem wasn’t with us. Even so, those old, ingrained beliefs can be hard to shake off.  We may find it difficult to let go and forgive... and this is OK.

Mindfulness practice helps us notice our true feelings, and encourages us to accept them without judging or clinging.

Although it can be tempting to think that judging ourselves for having feelings of anger, resentment or disappointment may push us into letting them go and replacing them with more ‘acceptable’ feelings, it usually does the reverse.

By judging our feelings as bad, we end up holding onto them more tightly, fuelling our original feelings with added guilt and shame.

Accepting our feelings simply means that we acknowledge the reality of the moment, whatever that contains. It’s not about what is right or wrong, good or bad, or what should or shouldn’t be in an ideal world.

It’s about saying to ourselves, “These are my feelings. This is my current experience. And that is OK.”

Join a Mindfulness Course or Workshops With the Mindfulness Project.

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The Importance of Self Care

Now that we are adults, we have the option to give ourselves the care and understanding which may have been lacking in our childhood. Rather than pushing our feelings away or making them wrong, we can use self-compassion to finally acknowledge and take care of ourselves.

We can also use self-compassion to create clear boundaries with family who may be behaving unreasonably.

Although we may feel that we ought to always be around for our family, especially as they get older, if they are being emotionally abusive we can give ourselves permission to take a step back.

This could be in temporary ways, for example we cut back on how often we visit or telephone them. Or this stepping back could be more permanent, depending on what we feel is right for our situation.

Caring for ourselves doesn’t necessarily mean that we do anything differently when we’re with our family. We don’t have to tell them how we feel about them, although sometimes that may feel right to do.

Coping with difficult family, rather than changing anything on the outside might actually be a very personal, private process, which is more about coming to terms with uncomfortable feelings. We can give those feelings a kind and patient space to exist within.

Becoming Clear on What is Right For Us

If we go through life mindlessly, we may feel that we are not really in control of anything. We might make decisions that are based on old beliefs, habits or the expectations or wishes of others, rather than having a clear idea of our own present values and needs. In a parent-child dynamic this can feel magnified.

We are so used to interacting with our family in a certain way; perhaps with us giving our power away to them, and them expecting it to be that way too. In some ways this is inevitable; they spent years guiding us, making decisions for us and shaping who we are.

Yet by becoming more mindful about what we want to get out of, and give into, the relationships in our lives, we can start to make more conscious decisions about what is and what is not okay for us – even with our parents.

Being more mindful in these difficult situations with our family can help take us out of knee-jerk reactions and auto-pilot responses, so that we can act with greater clarity, self-compassion and in ways which are more aligned with our values.

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As this week is national self-care awareness week, now might be a good time to ask yourself the question... How do I care for myself?  

Self-care in its simplest terms is our ability to care for our own well-being. In the media, the term is often presented with an emphasis on the outer self and the health of the body -- including exercise, diet and grooming.

While this is true to a certain extent, a more holistic definition of self-care is one that encompasses both mind and body.

Self-care is as much nourishing and nurturing the relationship we have with our mind as the one we have with our body.

The Power of Practice

The power of this practice is not to be underestimated – when we take actions to protect, maintain and improve our mental, emotional and physical well-being, we can expect to see a reduction in the negative effects of stress, a boost to our mood and improved resilience.

Mindfulness is so crucial to the act of self-care. With the awareness that the practice gives us, we gain greater clarity of the relationship we have with ourselves. 

When we weave mindfulness into our day, we are practising self-care.

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We notice habits and addictions that don’t serve our well-being, or unkind judgemental thoughts about ourselves that have a negative impact on our actions and experiences.

Often, this new awareness can precipitate a shift in mindset, and a desire to start treating ourselves with more care.

It’s worth noting that mindfulness is especially important in the context of self-care because it allows us to ensure that we use it for the right reasons.

Without a mindful attitude, we may use self-care as a form of distraction to avoid our feelings and edge around the reality of our experience.

Developing Self-Compassion 

At the heart of self-care is self-compassion -- an understanding, acceptance and kindness towards the self, and we can use this as a sign-post for developing a daily self-care habit.

Building self-care into our lives needn’t be overwhelming -- it’s as simple as making time for a few small acts of care and kindness towards ourselves each day, whether that’s yoga, meditation, getting more sleep or cooking a tasty meal.

Over time, this will build long-term feelings of well-being and resilience -- and self-care will no longer be something that we come to when we need it, but something that we have already embedded within our lives.

Self-care goes a long way in helping us to better cope with everyday stresses, and far from being narcissistic or selfish, it is in fact the key to a fuller life -- because the more we look after ourselves, the more we have to give to our family and friends, helping us to mindfully connect with others. More time to the life that we lead. 

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