There are many misconceptions in mindfulness, and the same can be said of self-compassion.
Many of those that sign up to the mindful self-compassion course may even find themselves questioning what mindful self-compassion is as they join their first session.
In this article, we dispel the myths of self-compassion to help explain what it means to practice.
1. Self-Compassion is Self-Pity
Self-compassion is not the same as self-pity. Self-pity is usually an isolating and lonely experience.
It makes us feel disconnected from the world, like we’re the only one with a problem. It can lead us to catastrophise or wallow in our problems, which both tend to make us feel worse.
The truth is; everyone suffers, everyone feels pain, and everyone experiences challenging emotions such as sadness, disappointment and jealousy. It’s not just us, even if it might feel like it from time to time! When we accept that, we’re moving toward self-compassion.
Join an 8-Week Self-Compassion Course.
With self-compassion we recognise that experiencing difficulty is part of the human experience. This allows us to feel more connected with others and offers a sense of belonging.
Self-Compassion invites us to notice when difficult feelings or thoughts come up and take steps to avoid slipping into self-pity. Instead of listening to inner doubt, judgement or self-criticism, we tune in to our self-compassionate voice and create space for what we really need.
With self-pity we’re digging ourselves a hole that might be hard to get out of. With self-compassion, we’re offering ourselves a ladder out of a difficult situation!
2. Self-Compassion is Self-Indulgent
You may have heard the phrase 'self-care isn’t selfish’, and the same can be said of self-compassion. It’s not self-centred or indulgent. And here’s why…
When we’re investing time in our own wellbeing, we’re investing time in those around us. Our friends and family want us to be happy. Self-compassionate can help us to feel happier.
When we take the time to work on ourselves, it increases our resilience and inner strength. Strength that we can save for when it’s most needed, reducing the need to lean on others. It also enables us to offer others greater support when they are having a difficult time.
We’re keeping our battery charged, so we have more to offer the world. We can’t do that well if we’re depleted.
What’s more, self-compassion breeds compassion. When we are more self-compassionate towards ourselves it can be much easier to be compassionate towards others.
"Self-care isn't always baths and chocolate (sometimes it will be), but it is an intentional stance to do what you need to do for yourself."
-- EMILY MITCHELL
The big question in mindful self-compassion is ‘What do I need?’. We’re getting into the habit of asking ourselves this question, letting the answers be what they are, then offering kind encouragement to meet those needs.
3. We Can Use Self-Compassion To Let Ourselves off the Hook
Sorry to break it to you but self-compassion isn’t about giving us an excuse to not do something or allowing ourselves to always take the easy path. It’s better than that. It’s about making choices that help us instead of hindering.
In some cases, letting ourselves ‘off the hook’ might be the right thing to do. But in others, it might serve us best to take the tougher course of action.
This is where self-compassion can really come in handy.
Let’s take an example…
There’s an event that in the right frame of mind we would really want to go to. Yet we’re feeling nervous or insecure about attending.
Many of us have been there, we’ve tried on six different outfits, the room is a mess, we’re starting to feel flustered and we’re on the edge of putting our pyjamas back on and eating an entire tub of Haagen Dazs. We're on the edge of self-pity.
Without self-compassion we might find we talk ourselves out of going, make excuses and later feel regret.
With self-compassion, we’re able to acknowledge how we really feel.
“I’m worried about what other people will think of me”
or;
“I’m nervous that I won’t know anyone.”
And we can reply – in our heads or out loud – with words of encouragement. Just like a friend might, we can say;
“You can do this”
“You’re a good person, if people don't like you then it doesn’t matter”
“It’s OK, you’re just a bit nervous”
or even;
“If you really don’t like it when you get there, you can leave”
In giving ourselves this gentle encouragement, we can help to meet our actual needs with what will serve us well in the long-term.
4. Self-Compassion Shows Weakness
Firstly, let’s start by saying that there is nothing remotely ‘wimpy’ or ‘weak’ about noticing that something is hard and trying to do something about it. In fact, it’s quite the opposite.
Think about the last time you faced a challenge and didn’t act with self-compassion. Perhaps you got irritated, jealous or even found yourself in a state of despair. It’s easy to do.
When we’re dealing with a difficult emotion or challenge we often gravitate towards distracting ourselves or burying our heads in the sand.
When we act to support ourselves with self-compassion or seek to understand what we really need, it can be more challenging. We’re coming up close to how we feel – not in a harsh or mean way – but asking ourselves what we really need. We’re being honest with ourselves instead of slipping into reactive habits, and that can be hard to do. Which brings us to…
5. Self-Compassion is Easy
So by this point you may have decided to give this self-compassion thing a try? Easy, right?
Well, just like mindfulness, self-compassion will take practice. (A lot of practice.) One day it might be easy and the next it might be more challenging!
If we’ve been lacking self-compassion for ourselves for a while it may feel completely alien to start cheering ourselves on. We may come up against feelings of ‘backdraft’ - a resistance to offering ourselves compassion.
The trick is to keep trying and to build a regular practice. Attending an 8-Week Mindful Self-Compassion Course can be a great way to do this. It might take patience and we will inevitably stumble. Just as we wouldn’t expect to learn any other valuable skill overnight, the same can be said of self-compassion. A teacher's input and the support of a group can really help.
Every time we don’t get it quite right it’s a learning curve... and an opportunity to practice self-compassion. As Hugh Grant’s character once said in Notting Hill, we can simply say ‘whoops a daisies’, give ourselves a pat on the back for trying and approach it from a new angle.
Build a Regular Practice on the 8-Week Self-Compassion Course.
